A little dishing on sports

Citizen McGwire

I want to nip all the speculation in the, um, bud, and get this all out in the open now: I did in fact take performance enhancing drugs this week.  I only did it for a couple of days, and then only to get back to writing this blog, but I admit it.  There.  You see, my body was breaking down; I was being dogged by this stomach virus my wife transmitted to me over the weekend and I needed something to just stop the decline.  Okay, I admit I’ve taken Tylenol Cold and echinacea once or twice before, but if you think I still wouldn’t have been able to write that six-thousand word brief on tortuous interference with contract or my 105 page unsold screenplay about two young friends torn apart by race on the mean streets of Manhattan, you are crazy.  Let me tell you – crazy!

So, apropos of nothing, my wife asked me the other day why it was exactly that Mark McGwire picked this particular moment to come forward and admit he used steroids.  I explained to her that popular theories included his desire to show contrition so that he might get into the Hall of Fame, a mandate from baseball to speak in the wake of the decision by the St. Louis Cardinals to hire him to be their batting instructor or simply an attack of the conscience.  My wife sniffs out BS like Jon Gosselin sniffs out ugly women, so understandably she was skeptical.  It got me thinking: why did Mark McGwire really pick this week to come clean on steroids?  I have three theories:

1)      Mark McGwire Zucker


Having dropped his surname years ago to achieve a more intimidating persona, McGwire has returned to the family fold to see that his father, Jeff Zucker, has made the most inexplicable choice in partners since Eddie Murphy went with Robin Givens over Halle Berry.  (Those of you who have been reading my fantasy football recaps know just how strongly I feel about that little plot hole in Boomerang.)  Recognizing that his estranged father had made a gaffe that would inevitably cast him into the toilet bowl of television history, loyal Mark did the only thing a loyal son could do: he fell on his steroids for Poppa Jeff.

2)      Bacon


When McGwire made his deal with the devil, he was told that the deal would expire when pigs fly and with the Jets three wins away from the Super Bowl championship, he figured he didn’t want take any chances.

3)      CFO Mark


JPMorgan Chase just announced this week 2009 earnings of $11.7 billion dollars, which, to put it in proper perspective, is almost half the amount the cast of Jersey Shore spent on hair products last summer.  So we’re talking a lot of money here.  And finance industry earnings have received a lot of negative attention, from President Obama, to ordinary Americans to Simon Cowell, who was said to have called bankers, “slackers.”  Wouldn’t it be fascinating if Mark McGwire turned out to be an officer of one of these companies and, knowing that these bloated earnings reports were coming, with the accompanying political, um feces-storm, tried to distract the country by focusing attention on the one thing Americans pay more attention to than politics: everything else.

 Anyway, that’s just a theory, but so was The Ewing Theory  before officially being proven in 2007 by the New York Giants.  Thank you, Tiki Barber.


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