sportstapas
A little dishing on sports

The Dallas Cowboys Suck the Most

I really hate the Dallas Cowboys. I just wanted to get that out at the top. Among the things I would rather see than the Cowboys winning the Super Bowl this year:

• The cast of the Jersey Shore at my local bar;
• Rosie O’Donnell’s bare breasts;
• An angry Mike Tyson charging toward me;
• Billy Joel driving my cab home from the airport;
• Tila Tequila doing anything.

I know. I must really hate the Cowboys. In my defense, I’m a Giants fan. See, the team may not have a defense, but the fans do. Anyway, the reason my hatred for the Cowboys bubbled to the surface again is because the NFL playoffs are starting this weekend and with my beloved Giants out of the running, I had to decide which team to root for this year. It was a tough call because there are a number of teams, players and coaches I really dislike, though not as much as the Cowboys. So I ended up grouping the playoff teams in ascending order of my desire for them to win the championship, since the Giants appear as of this posting to be out of the running.

They Should Burn In Hell

Dallas

There are actually 4 things I like about the Cowboys:

1. They usually suck;
2. When they don’t suck outright, they choke;
3. Jerry Jones’s comical ability to undermine his coaches by insisting on being the face of the franchise;
4. Their cheerleaders.

Other than that, I hate pretty much everything about the Cowboys. Flozell Adams is a thug, Tony Romo is a pretty boy, Marion Barber is a fraud and DeMarcus Ware is, um, well, whatever, I hate them.

Philadelphia

I’m still ticked at Donovan McNabb for picking up that phone on the Giants sideline at the end of the Eagles’ victory over the Giants in the playoffs last year. Although it’s entirely possible he needed to call his gastroenterologist and didn’t think he could make it back to his own bench without hurling. I dislike McNabb, but I have great respect for him and I think it’s criminal how underrated he has been in conversations about great QBs of the last decade. The Eagles, though, are one of my least favorite franchises. Andy Reid couldn’t count down from 60 if you cloned him twice and he had the ability to see his toes; Brian Dawkins once nearly killed Giants WR Ike Hilliard with a ridiculous cheap shot; and what does it say about a city that has cheesesteak as its defining food. And yes, I’m still bitter that the Phillies have been cleaning the Mets’ clock for the last couple of years.

It Could Be A Really Bad Month

Minnesota

Can you imagine what we’ll have to endure if Brett Favre makes a run to the Super Bowl? I’ll have to run to another bowl and push McNabb out of the way, that’s for sure. The only saving grace here is that John Madden is retired. Jon Gruden is taking up the Brett Favre Fellatio Fan Club banner, though. Please let Minnesota lose their first game or things are gonna get uglier than an Easter egg hunt at the Arenas house.

New England

It’s always nice to knock Golden Boy and the Genius down a peg or two. Poor Tom Brady gets to go home to Gisele after the Patriots lose and Coach Belichick gets to scour the NFL team offices for married administrative assistants to seduce. Hang on a second, I need to consult my lawyer. (Charlie, can I write that?)

Why Worry About Fantasies

New York Jets

I like the Jets. I will root for the Jets. Some of my best friends are Jets fans. But come on, let’s be serious. They have about as much chance of winning the Super Bowl as I have of googling “Paris Hilton” and “Valtrex” and getting zero hits. (Charlie, I can write that, right?) A wildcard playoff team would have to win two games against teams that have been sitting at home for an extra week picking apart all their weaknesses. The Jets’ starting QB is Mark Sanchez. You see where I’m going with this?

Cincinnati Bengals

How do I put this gently? I could grab eleven teenagers with unfilled Ritalin prescriptions off the street and stop the Bengals offense. They couldn’t score on Kim Kardashian. They’re supposed to win a Super Bowl now? Not happening.

I’m Staying Off the Ledge

Indianapolis Colts

After their 2004 playoff debacle, I bet my friend Dave $150 that Peyton Manning would not win a championship in the next three years. Apparently that was all the motivation the laser rocket armed QB needed. Thanks, Peyton. At least it put off Tom Coughlin in HD for a couple of years for me. I admired Manning’s talent, but didn’t like his demeanor in playoff games. You can even go back to the SB against the Bears. Early in that game, he made a couple of throws that nearly killed fans on the mezzanine level. I also found him to be a little too mechanical; too wired to make the right textbook play when perhaps something off the script would serve him better and it felt like the Patriots really exploited that. I take my hat off to him, though. In the last two years he has played the QB position like Jimi Hendrix played the electric guitar and like John Madden played, Brett Favre’s, um, never mind.

Arizona Cardinals

Kurt Warner just seems like such a good guy. I can’t be upset if he wins. I can’t even mock his team. Geez.

Green Bay Packers

I haven’t checked the weather forecast, but am fairly certain it is 22 degrees below zero in Green Bay right now. Besides, the Packers and cheese curds are all Green Bay has. Who am I to be mad if they win the SB? And another thing about Brett Favre. Remember when he criticized Javon Walker for holding out a few years ago? What a self-absorbed jerk that guy is. I’ve seen more maturity at a Jonas Brothers concert. That is, if I ever went to a Jonas Brothers concert. Which I haven’t. Ok, I went to one, but I didn’t know they were playing and I was with my goddaughter and…who are you to judge me anyway?!

Baltimore Ravens

If I got to punch ESPN Fantasy Football “expert” Matthew Berry each time he said he’s “wacko for Flacco” this year, I’m pretty sure Mr. Berry would be dead by now. That said, I like the kid’s prospects and I loved reading about how whipped he is by his family. I think he just moved into his own room in his parents’ attic during the bye week. I am definitely rooting for Joe and I wouldn’t mind seeing Ray Rice run the ball for four more weeks. Just know that I’m not getting into any limos during SB week if the Ravens make it. (Charlie, I know I can write that.)

It Would Be My Pleasure

New Orleans Saints

I spent four memorable (I’m told) years in New Orleans and have a real soft spot for the Saints. New Orleans is far from a perfect city, and many of its problems are well chronicled, but the fans are passionate about their team and you have to respect that. Throw in the fact that they have an exciting offense, led by a standup guy in Drew Brees and coached by former Giant Offensive Coordinator Sean Payton who has come back quite nicely since being thrown under the bus (not Jerome Bettis) by Jim Fassel in 2003. I would love to see the Saints win it all, although if it happens, New Orleans may plunge into the Gulf of Mexico once and for all under the weight of all that partying. Is it possible for more partying to happen in New Orleans than goes on already? Heck, if they can fit another chemical plant in New Jersey, I suppose anything’s possible.

San Diego Chargers

I’m very proud and happy to have Eli Manning as the starting QB of the Giants, but think about the trade that brought him to New York. The Giants gave up the #4 and #65 picks in the 2004 draft, plus a #1 and #5 in 2005. The #4 pick of course was Philip Rivers. If the Giants offered the Chargers Eli, a top 5 pick, an early 3rd, a #1 in a subsequent year and #5 in that same draft would AJ Smith even say goodbye before he hung up? Rivers has been so good only the members of the Brees family that stayed behind in southern California are complaining that the Chargers let him go.

How much fun would a Saints-Chargers Super Bowl be? We can even have a pregame special where John Madden, Jon Gruden and Brett Favre are locked in a room for 30 minutes, just to see what would happen. I suppose that would have to be on cable, though.

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3 Responses to “The Dallas Cowboys Suck the Most”

  1. Great blog. I’m not happy about your prediction for The Jets (nor do I think Curtis is either) but I certainly enjoyed reading all you have to say!!!!!

  2. Pretty good. Sub the pats for the boys and that would pretty much capture my viewpoint. Oh yeah, go jets!

  3. When Troy and Jerry are Hoisting the Lombardi Trophy, I’ll be sure to think of you.

    Cowboy Nation Loves the HATE, at least you are thinking about us.


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