A little dishing on sports

I don’t handle being challenged well, especially by myself, so I haven’t made any New Year’s resolutions since the year I gained thirty pounds while on a Slim Fast diet.  Note to Slim Fast: if you want us to lose weight, why do you make the shakes taste so good?  I drank 15 to 16 a day, which I am pretty sure wasn’t part of the plan.  Since it is New Year’s Eve, though, and since I resolved to write more this year (it was a July 26th resolution, thank you very much), I did want to make sure to do a post on New Year’s resolutions.  And yes, I am aware that the only people who read this blog are: me (lost a bet), my mom (presumably, from Heaven), my lawyer, Charlie (who advised me to cut the part of my first post that pertained to Tiger and Sarah Palin sitting in a tree) and three of my six other personalities.  So below are my requests for New Year’s Resolutions for various people in the sports world.

For Bill Simmons: please resolve to get therapy for your irrational love of Allen Iverson.  I write this as a huge fan of your work, and apparently the only person who cares enough about you to speak the truth about this.  Moving Iverson from 29 to 32 on your favorite players list is not enough.  I understand what draws you to the guy.  I love him as a player, too, but when the only way to construct a successful team around a player is to make Aaron McKie and Eric Snow key offensive options, that player cannot be one of the 32 best of all-time.  Get over it, move on, and put Iverson down around 50 where he belongs.

For Peter King: please resolve to get therapy for even making the argument that the 2007 Patriots are the team of the decade.  I get the point, 16-0 is special.  No one’s ever done it before, yada, yada, yada.  But what does it say about your team of the decade that they were unable to win the biggest game of the year, something eight other teams this decade have done.  Isn’t the whole point of the exercise of the season to win the Super Bowl?  I mean, that’s what Bill Polian tells me.  Isn’t a team that sets a regular season wins record and then loses in the playoffs similar to a QB who breaks the record for TD passes, but can’t win a championship?  Oh, wait.  It’s not like the Patriots car pool of Brady, Moss, Harrison and Bruschi got into a car accident on the way to the stadium and missed the game.  The so-called team of the decade had a chance for immortality, were very much aware of the significance of the moment, and they came up short.  Sorry, Peter, it’s off to Dr. Melfi for you.

For Roger Goodell: please resolve to hire full time game officials.  The NFL is a billion dollar business and the guys who are responsible for ensuring that the games run smoothly, fairly and safely have less training than the second year fry chef at In-N-Out Burger.  Are you kidding me?  Mr. Goodell, you’ve shown yourself to be a very smart and capable man, but no sane person can argue that people with less training can do a challenging, complex and collaborative job as well as people with more training.  Bite the bullet, pay the officials more, train them better and hold them more accountable.  Although I will say that one thing I admire about the way the NFL handles its officiating is that the league sends a representative out to the media to explain calls, clarify them and in some cases, admit that it’s erred, unlike…

For David Stern: it is long past time that you completely overhaul the officiating in the NBA.  I don’t need to go into detail since Bill Simmons has done so here.

Finally, for Charles Barkley: you were right the first time; you are not a role model.  Stop giving advice to Tiger Woods.  You’re just embarrassing yourself.


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